Saturday, October 25, 2003

Samhain in Wisconsin

While authorities in South America and Mexico struggle to cope with attacks by the goat-killing demon, El Chupacabra, in Wisconsin a bizarre new menace has struck fear into the hearts of civilians and the military alike.

It is the monster now known as -- "El Cowpacabra."

Part demon, part purebred Guernsey, El Cowpacabra has appeared in areas where there has been a high incidence of recent UFO sightings. El Cowpacabra has been blamed for the destruction of thousands of mechanical milking machines across the state.

In these regions, a number of poodles have also been reported dead or missing.

And now comes word of even worse terror, reports that witnesses have seen the Cowpacabra force-feeding artificial growth hormones to dairy corporation officials until they blow up like balloons and explode.

Said one trembling veterinarian: "I've heard of 'mad cows.' But I've never seen one this p.o.'d."

Other experts interviewed said they feared Cowpacabra depredations would have an impact on margarine supplies throughout the state.

Eyewitness descriptions of the Cowpacabra vary. One Cudahy Dairy Queen employee who came upon the beast rampaging though a storeroom filled with canisters of Tastee Freez, said: "I've never seen anything like it. It was like 7 feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. It had fangs like a rattler, wings like a bat, the head of a polled heifer and a beer belly. And it had a horrible smell. Like, like," -- here she broke down -- "like Bradford Beach in August."

A cranberry bog worker, who observed "The Bovine Beast" stalking deer hunters near East Krock, claimed it also had a milk mustache.

Other Cowpacabra sightings have been linked to the discovery across the state of mysterious "crop circles," or, as paranormal experts have come to call them in this case: "crop pies."

Regional folklore holds that Cowpacabra leavings are particularly acidic, and some road repaving companies are blaming the number of highway potholes not on their use of cheap asphalt, but on the demon's cud-spitting habits.

And reports that Cowpacabra methane-like "emissions" have a chemical makeup akin to that of Easy Off Oven Cleaner have caused dozens of worried Illinois tourists to cancel vacation plans at destinations north of Nutterville.

No authenticated photo of the "Devil Cow" exists. However, a Beaver Dam resident videoing his grandson's sack race at Beaver Fest '96 allegedly caught the Cowpacabra on tape, and a photo from that tape has been distributed on the World Wide Web.

Government officials were quick to deny there was any truth to the reports, chalking them up to "mass hysteria." One Air Force colonel identified the photo as that of a "weather balloon," but could not explain what such a balloon was doing hovering at the same level as the fest's bratwurst stand.

And so-called "cow-spiracy theorists" charged that the Air Force actually had a carcass of the beast in cold storage at a secret military installation near Rib Lake known only as "Rest Area 51."

Speculation on the possible origins of El Cowpacabra has grown. "Everyone knows it's a mutant caused by the Navy's Extremely Low Frequency radio transmitter," said Cowpacabra expert Chris Carter. Others blame runoffs from mining operations or the Deep Tunnel Project.

Some believers have claimed supernatural powers for the creature. Indeed, one hidden witness observed members of the dairy supremacist cult "Cowpacabra Nation" on a hilltop attempting to summon the beast with a mantra that he said "sounded like 'ooom, only backward."

With so little actually known about the exact nature of El Cowpacabra, local police have despaired of capturing it.


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