Tuesday, February 01, 2005

2004 Ethnic Cleansing Awards

2004 Ethnic Cleansing Awards

Reality Show Attention Whores

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth managed early in 2004 to set the bar high for ruthless, backstabbing TV opportunists. While Omarosa may be just a blip on the radar screen of shrew-like reality show quasi-celebs, the first season Apprentice star still managed to alienate most of America in a stunning display of delusion meets evil meets brazen laziness. After her Norma Desmond-inspired media junket following her brutal removal from from The Don's boardroom, this business woman/pageant model/actress/political appointee (read:unpaid intern with fake tits) also enjoys, according to her own bio, "working as an image consultant." I swear we're not making this stuff up. Flashing her pearly whites to Katie Couric, she spoke of television offers, a new clothing line and maybe even a movie career. It's nearly 2005 and we're still afraid. But not nearly as afraid as her husband.

People Who Drive Hybrid Cars And Won't Shut Up About It

Okay, you drive a fuel efficient car that runs on electricity and gas in some kind of horrible Earth-friendly compromise that makes no sense to anyone. Fine. See if we care. But can't you just shut up about it? To all the vegetable-eating, do-gooders driving them, the idea of a hybrid isn't new. The moped was the first actual hybrid, using a combination of footpower and a gas engine. At least with a moped you can still look like a big homo without spending all the cash and annoying your family and friends. Sure, we all want to get off the Arab oil nipple, but can't they design something that doesn't scream "I'm an assclown." Even John Kerry drives a Land Rover. Outspoken hybrid drivers rank at #24.

Here are a list of hybrid drivers:

Larry David (no girlfriend, no sex)
Bill Maher (no girlfriend, no sex)
Billy Crystal (married, no sex)
Woody Harrelson (too stoned for sex)
Cameron Diaz (hot enough to overlook car)

Here are a list of well known SUV drivers:

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Shaquille O'Neal
M C Hammer
Roger Clemens
Mike Tyson

Conservative, Middle-Aged Talk Show Hosts with Horrifying Sexual Proclivities

Bill O'Reilly has a big mouth. He has an even bigger penis, if you believe what he repeatedly told former "O'Reilly Factor" producer Andrea Mackris between tales of happy endings with Vietnamese masseuses, Thai sex shows and the shock when foreign-born cleaning ladies realize he's not hiding a stack of ones under his towel. Look, we understand that outspoken, middle-aged television millionaires like O'Reilly can debate vibrators, oral sex and masturbation in much the same way they debate the war in Iraq or whether or not Jon Stewart and his "audience of dope-smoking burnouts" can possibly thrill a woman like he can, but gross is gross and Mackris deserved whatever money she got. Conservative America needs a new voice and the rest of us need a long, hot, collective shower.

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil McGraw has a hot wife. He's got two well-adjusted sons, plays in charity tennis tournaments and gives pragmatic advice to hateful couples, wifebeaters and sociopaths who he exploits for 12 minute segments before they're sent back to the trailer park to find their "authentic self." By "authentic self," we mean "big fat loser." Now, in the second season of his own show sans Oprah, multiple self-help books and a gazillion dollars, no amount of witty, down-home Philisms are going to get these people to stop banging the married chick in the next doublewide. So why would we want to ethnically cleanse a guy that seems to want to help average schlubs who can't afford real therapy? We resent anyone who is happy, content, smart and rich. You can just imagine him on the sidelines of his kids soccer games. Nobody should have a father that loving and supportive. So when he says, "how's that working for you?" or "it's time to get real," it makes us want to ram that tennis racket up his keester. There's a Philism in there somewhere. Dr. Phil ranks a respectable #22.

Star Jones/Women of "The View"

The once enticing soccer mom/MILF fantasy of cohost Meredith Viera has since been overshadowed by a solar eclipse-size wake left by Star Jones and the rest of the women of "The View." Dino-journalist Barbara Walters blushes as her younger contemporaries (now that's funny) spend each morning pondering life and their [sexually active] place in it. Faking illness and staying home from work or school used to mean a happy, stressfree day of Barnaby Jones reruns, Judge Judy and rampant masturbation. Now it means a window into the world of how middle-aged dunces talk when there are no men around. The only thing worse is a frank discussion of Star Jones' wedding and honeymoon. There are not enough meds to dull the pain.

Kabbalists

Scientology boasts celebs like Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta, but Kabbalists have Madonna, Britney, Demi, Ashton, Paris and Lindsay Lohan. That's an asskicking if I've ever seen one. Many argue that Kabballah isn't really a cult, it's basically advanced-level Judaism, reserved for older male students who actually took Judaism 101 and didn't just jump right into graduate school just so they can hang out in the faculty lounge and sleep with the professor. While Kabbalah may simply be for Christians who aren't satisfied with all the "fun holidays" and must now get the big Bar Mitzvah party they never had when they were 13, others are just doing it to piss off the Arabs. For those interested in Kabbalah but want to avoid all that pesky studying and adherence to religious rules, you can spend $50 for a Kabbalah kit, replete with red string to ward off the "Evil Eye." Everyone hates the dreaded Evil Eye, a.k.a., the look people give you when they realize you've just spent $50 on a red string. We at BFA have our own Kabbalah kit: Mix one part Madonna, two parts Lindsay Lohan (the good parts), then add cream of Ashton Kutcher. Grow beard and move to Israel. They'll make fun of you there too.

The F.C.C./Nipple Ornament Wearers (tie)

It's so hard to decide who is worse, an overzealous FCC led by Colin Powell's son Michael or the slightly-less-freaky-than-Michael, nipple- adorned pop star Janet Jackson. Therefore, we rule it a draw. It's hard to remember the days when nipple ornamentation was once a back alley practice nobody spoke of until the fateful day in early 2004 when Superbowl family fun included a "wardrobe malfunction" and nipple decoration sales skyrocketed -- especially among the middle school set. Try as they might, the F.C.C can't legislate morality but it can slap a big fine against anyone who displays their metallic mammaries or even broadcasts an unedited version of "Saving Private Ryan," with all the cursing, cigarette smoking and dying. Thank God there were no nipple ornaments on Omaha Beach. Or were there? The FCC and nipple decorators are ranked at #19.

People Who Insist They Can Multitask

For those who think simple multitasking is effortless, just get behind a female driver on the highway as she applies her makeup and shifts lanes to the exact cadence of her argument with her boyfriend on the cell phone. People just can't multitask no matter how many times they type it on their resume (read: women can't drive and do anything else simultaneously). For those who will scream gender discrimination, just remember that Brady Bunch episode where Marcia and Greg battled it out on who was a better driver. Okay, Marcia won, but that was a shitty, poorly-written television show created in the days before cell phones, when women only drove to get groceries. Fuck women's lib. Car phone gabbers rank at #18.

Beer Throwing Sports Fans

Last year it was Cubs fan Steve Bartman, this year it's "regular guy" John Green who single-handedly initiated one of professional sports greatest -- I mean most obscene-- brawls. We will all pretend how outraged we were when they were beating the crap out of each other and we watched it on TiVo again and again to our delight -- I mean disdain. In the end, there were five suspensions and Pacer Ron Artest is out for the season. Turns out that John Green has a lengthy police record including four DUI's, and some kind of anger management issue. How else would you explain tossing a $9 beer at a total stranger. This wackjob gets more unwanted but totally deserved exposure on our list.

Liza Minnelli/Michael Jackson (tie)

Best buddies and freakshow partners Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson are tied on our current list. Both suffered yet another tabloid-filled year of sexual depravity, delusions of grandeur and annoying haircuts. Both are involved in lawsuits, where we will eventually be forced to hear the sickening minutae of their sex lives. Michael spent 2004 hiding stashes of Blue Boy magazines and giving DNA samples, while Liza battled a lawsuit brought forth by her equally crazed milquetoast ex-husband David Gest as well as a brand new lawsuit filed by her former driver/body guard, who claimed he was forced to sleep with Minnelli repeatedly in order to keep his job. There is no job worth that kind of degradation. Let's hope in both cases, the lights were turned off. Liza and Michael are tied at #16.

Inbred Americans Fucking up Everything in Iraq

Pfc. Lynndie England has got to be the biggest fucktard in her entire home state of West Virginia. And that's saying a lot. Perhaps the sloping forehead, narrow eyes and too-dyky-even-for-the-army appearance should have alerted her superiors that leaving her unchaperoned at the Abu Gharib prison was one of the biggest mistakes of the war. Thanks to memories provided by Kodak, we can finally put a face on stupidity. Couldn't the face of stupidity look more like Jessica Simpson or even Anna Nicole Smith? While England showed bad judgment when she slept with half her troop without even removing her boots, it also clearly demonstrated that our troops have sunk to new lows of desperation. We will give her the benefit of the doubt that forcing naked Iraqi prisoners to stack up in a pyramid was just a sad reminder of the freaky, penis-obsessed girl who dropped out of high school before she would have been excluded from the cheerleading squad. She didn't mean any harm. Lynndie ranks at #15.

Lip-Syncing, Manufactured Pop Stars

Ashlee Simpson has spent the bulk of 2004 distinguishing herself from famous sister Jessica by dying her hair black, having premarital sex and demonstrating an uncanny ability to do a jig/retard dance during moments of complete discomfort or when she has to pee. Add to that a complete lack of guilt for lying about lip-syncing, blaming her band and saying things like "everyone does it, doncha know." She might just be telling the truth: Jessica lip syncs every time she speaks and newbie singer and overexposed star Lindsay Lohan allegedly lip synced on Good Morning America just last week. In the end, we learned that it really wasn't Ashlee's fault. She has a serious case of acid-reflux disease, which sadly removes any lingering desire we have to make out with her. She needs to go. Ashlee ranks at #14.

Cartoonishly Pumped Steroid Abusers Who Lie...Badly

Barry Bonds might just be the Ashlee Simpson of baseball. Bonds went from skinny player to pumped up power hitter at the ripe old age of 36. Turns out, his growing manboobs and shrinking testicles were due to a cocktail of peformance-enhancing steriods supplied to him by his trainer who only said they were "ego enhancers" made from flaxseed oil and roofies. It's not just Bonds that's guilty of being a cheat and a fraud. There's Jason Giambi, Marion Jones, and even Sammy Sosa has been spending a lot of time stroking his corked bat and mouse nuts. Bonds outdoes the rest of them for the simple reason that we hated him way before he started hitting home runs. Bonds ranks our list at unlucky #13.

Canada

While France and even the entire continent of Europe was singled out in years past, Canada makes this year's ethnic cleaning awards. Where's the love? Where's the appreciation? We know it's cold and you're irritable this time of year, but you've been holding a grudge since we admitted we like the Brits better. While we can forgive French-speaking Canada for not assisting our armed forces in Iraq, it's harder to forgive members of Parliment for heckling our elected leaders or dropping Celine Dion on us. Canada claims they have a unique culture that differentiates them from the United States, despite the fact that 90% of Canadians live within 50 miles of the U.S. border. They share our economy, they see our television shows and they fantasized about banging the cast of "Friends," just like the rest of us. What the hell do we get in return? It's like they're stealing our space heater and we always have to pay the electric bill. Screw Canada. They are ranked at #12

Clay Aiken

Where oh where should we start? It's so difficult to pin down Clay Aiken's ears let alone all the reasons why we feel the American Idol runner up should be ethnically cleansed. Sure, he's a raging bone smuggler and expert on the jousting circuit. But he's also a nice Christian guy who claims he's saving himself for marriage (teehee). He's also kind to the kids on the short bus. Maybe it's the horror that his recent Christmas album sold more than 250,000 copies in a single week. Maybe it's that his fans are known as "Claymates." Maybe it's that annoying twangy voice and a complete lack of facial hair. Maybe it's that every girl wants him and not us! We've been sent angry letters about our well-known position before. And even more angry letters Clay ranks at #11.

Freakishly Smart and Completely Uninteresting Game Show Millionaires

Not since Herb Stempel cheated his way to into the hearts and minds of ordinary, uneducated Americans in the 1950's quiz show scandal has one game show contestant captured so much money combined with a complete lack of attention from anyone with breasts. Ranked somewhere between Screech and Rush Limbaugh in overall sexiness, even $2.5 million in prize money won't get this guy laid. Although it will probably get him beat up when he goes back home. Ken Jennings ranks at a respectable #10.

Kofi Annan/U.N. (tie)

Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan spent much of 2004 under attack for corruption, kickbacks and a longer-than-comfortable embrace with PLO leader Yassir Arafat. Then, just recently, Iraq's food for oil program came under scrutiny when it was learned that Saddam Hussein and his thugs spent half the money on weapons and the other half on Annan's new wardrobe and Park Avenue condo. Add to that his wagging finger, hatred of all things American and his unflagging support for terrorists and rigged elections. Kofi and his band of talking windbags at the U.N. need to pack their bags. Let's give the U.N. building to Trump. The U.N. can hold their meeting at the YMCA. Or better yet, the J.C.C.

Nick and Jessica

America's favorite retarded couple makes the rest of us see how beautiful marriage can really be when muscles and good hair meets great tits and ... well, great tits are enough in a beautiful marriage, aren't they? Adorning the cover of dozens of magazines, the "it" couple of 2004 even made avoiding premarital sex seem quaint. In 2004 the newlyweds appeared all over television, even hosting a Nick and Jessica Christmas Special. By "special," we mean shitty singing surrounded by not-quite-as-attractive and just as retarded cousins. It's destined to be a holiday classic. Rumors abound that the happy retarded couple aren't that at all. Some people say they're just retarded. They rank at #8.

Ben Affleck's Agent/Ben Affleck (tie)

We refuse to jump on the "we hate Ben Affleck" bandwagon before equally jumping on the "we hate Ben Affleck's agent" bandwagon (which we've just now invented) Sure, Ben is not the greatest talent to come out of Hollywood, but this beer-loving Celebrity Poker playing Red Sox fan never asked to be posted on every tabloid and magazine, week in and week out during the past year. He just wanted to be left alone to bang J-Lo and Jennifer Garner —both very, very good choices, we might add. Ben Affleck can pick hot celebrities, but he just can't pick good movie roles, which is precisely why he gives millions of dollars to his agents and managers. How they happened to send him the scripts for "Gigli" or "Surviving Christmas" is beyond understanding and will likely be a study in agency ineptitude for years to come. So Ben Affleck, 10-percenter Patrick Whitesell of Endeavor and publicist Ken Sunshine can all share the blame equally. Unfortunately, no amount of blame-shifting will reduce the culpability of Matt Damon, who, strangely enough, tends to date down.

Totally Ungrateful Iraqi Insurgents

Iraqi insurgents running around screaming "Allahu Akbar" before they kill a bunch of their own citizens are given the #6 spot in this year's ethnic cleansing awards. If it weren't for the fact that these people are dangerous killers using human shields to hide from Coalition Forces, these track suit-wearing idiots would be almost laughable. Invariably posed with the oversized RPG (the Iraqi rebel's equivalent to our electric guitar), the one-size-fits-all head scarf (to keep bugs out of their mouth), they seem more concerned with photo opps then considering the stupidity of their plight. Would someone please tell them we don't want to be there. The idea of us sticking around to steal their resources is almost as absurd as sticking around to steal their women. Get a fucking job!

Paris Hilton/Olsen Twins (Tie)

Paris has really grown as a performer during the last year, adding to her resume yet another installment of the semiscripted "fish-out-of-water" reality show "The Simple Life." By semiscripted we only mean that Paris is unable to memorize anything but her tan lines. During 2004, Paris developed a clothing line, handbags, perfume and even had time to appear in another amateur sex tape -- although we're not sure it's fair to refer to it as amateur porn anymore. While some people see Paris as the new Marilyn Monroe (not the young vibrant version of Marilyn who married a sports legend, but the slightly older, no-longer-alive corpse version), we, at BFA, see her for what she truly is: a savvy, no-nonsense business woman in the same vein as Martha Stewart. Both of whom will most likely spend time on all fours this year.

In another year of overexposure for perhaps the richest and most famous of all strangely sexy, monkey-faced girls, the twins became perfectly legal monkeymeat in 2004. But now it just doesn't seem like such a treat. Somehow after removing the pixie-pedo fetish, all we're left with are two actresses who, after a lifetime in front of a camera, still can't act or carry on a particularly interesting conversation. Both are now sharing their public woes on the NYU campus, where Washington Square's homeless population fight tooth and nail for Mary-Kate's regurgitated lunch while offering advice on how to get over silly body esteem issues. It remains to be seen whether either twin can balance Prada bag shopping and college classes in order to actually graduate. We're not saying the Olsen Twins are stupid, but let's face it, for nine months they shared a small womb with one oxygen line. Even Paris can beat that. Barely.

Gloating Republicans/ Sore Losers Who Threatened to Move to Canada But Never Did (tie)

No need to rehash the results of the 2004 presidential election, but the post-election world of national politics brought the real losers to the forefront and they share the ranking evenly. While Democrats annoyed the crap out of us by accusing the Republicans of gloating over their all-encompassing victory, while brushing off talk of a presidential mandate, Republicans equally annoyed us by actually gloating and actually claiming a mandate to do whatever they wanted. The arguments further escalated by reports of group therapy sessions for depressed liberals who vowed to continue to be a thorn in Bush's side -- or else move to Canada. The Republicans shot back by taunting the Democrats to move to Canada like they promised months ago. It's hard to decide who's worse: the arrogant, environmentally-dangerous conservatives bent on continuing an unwinnable war and making the world hate us, or the sore losers who do nothing but complain, and instead of trying to share a few toys in the sandbox, they jump right out and run for momma's apron. No doubt, it's a tie. They both rank at #4.

Celebrity Political Endorsers

We've always been annoyed by the likes of self-important celebrity activists Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Barbra Streisand, who have spent years shamefully pushing their agenda on the American public at the most inappropriate moments possible. The 2004 presidential race saw new lows in the ridiculous posturing by the predominately liberal celebrities who wrongly thought their celebrity appeal would bring millions of votes to whatever guy they were supporting. The Democrats, always a majority among Hollywood types, boasted the unhelpful support of Matt Damon, Linda Ronstadt, P. Diddy, Cameron Diaz, Sharon Stone, Leonardo DiCaprio and Bruce Springsteen. The Republican celebrity minority, while both sad and pathetic, was just as vocal and just as annoying. They boasted the completely unhelpful support of The Governator, comedian Dennis Miller, B-list movie actor Ron Silver, Rick Schroder, Stephen Baldwin and Bo Derek. I think you can see where we're going with this.

CAMERON DIAZ ON OPRAH: "We have a voice now, and we're not using it, and women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies. We could lo--if you think that rape should be legal, then don't vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body, and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should vote, and those are the...." (trails off after becoming foggy)

LINDA RONSTADT: "People don't realize that by voting Republican, they voted against themselves...I worry that some people are entertained by the idea of this war. They don't know anything about the Iraqis, but they're angry and frustrated in their own lives. It's like Germany, before Hitler took over. The economy was bad and people felt kicked around. They looked for a scapegoat. Now we've got a new bunch of Hitlers.

P.DIDDY: " I predict record numbers of young people will vote...."

William Hung

After much debate, the editorial staff here at BFA felt that, more than anyone else in 2004, American Idol first-round contestant William Hung and all who are like him, deserve to be banished forever from the planet Earth. It's not just that Mr. Hung can't sing or dance. He can't. He also can't go away. For those of you who thought the "Disco Donger" ended his 15 minutes of fame last February or March, you obviously missed his studio-released CD, his website, dozens of public appearances and just last week a prime spot in the Hollywood Christmas Parade (okay, Cindy Williams and Erik Estrada were also invited)

Let's face it, we all know that William isn't in on our "little joke." We laugh at him the same way we laugh at those chubby kids at the Special Olympics all those funny comedians on TV.

This past year of horrific torture we certainly brought on ourselves. It's not really even William Hung's fault if you really get down to it. It's societies' fault for putting Hung on the developmentally challenged pedestal he has ridden for the past 11 months. Where are his parents? Who is looking out for his best interests? Who is making sure he's not been exploited by money hungry handlers looking for a quick buck? Why does he keep saying "erection" instead of election? These are questions that must be answered.

Thankfully, we have no fear that William Hung will either 1) find this website or learn how to correctly spell his name in order to, 2) Google himself and discover what has been said and written about him by us. With no fear in bestowing upon him BFA's highest (or lowest) honors, we confidently award William Hung the coveted #1 spot.

Let us never speak of him again.

1 Comments:

Blogger Brook said...

thanks for the ethnic cleansing piece -- i've already cleansed most of this from my life. What is BFA? can you link?

Wednesday, February 02, 2005 6:25:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home