Monday, February 21, 2005

Guckert/Gannon and Republican GAY-ness

It's going to be the news of the week -- unless Bush decides to bomb something -- that gay prostitution infiltrated the Republican's side of the journalistic bullpen. I can't wait to see what we bomb.

As a 30-something woman, I'm having a difficult time digesting all this new, gay culture I'm being introduced to via the Guckert/Gannon story. Who knew men prefer chest-waxing to a good old manly rug? Personally, I'm for the rug. It's how I can tell my partner is of age. Oh, I guess that's the point.

Who knew their heads weren't the only thing they shaved. Not a bad idea in my opinion, but it seems risky. Is there a special styptic pencil for that? On the one hand, shaving one's balls seems a generous and romantic gesture. On the other, I'm thinking why waste a good shave on wrestling. That's how I know they aren't just wrestling. You aren't going to waste a set of freshly shaved balls on pinning a guy down without showing him who is boss -- so to speak. We're talking about SHAVED BALLS HERE FOR GOD'S SAKE! He's going to feel unattractive if you don't fuck him. Look at all the thought he put into your encounter!

The ins and outs of this gay underworld are fascinating. Imagine how special you would feel if your honey went to a fraction of the lengths that men go to have sex with men. Set aside the hair removal for a moment. There's classified advertising. Boudoir photography. There's weekends of travel to exotic places. High society social events with an accepted language and a tacit agreement of secrecy. Imagine if straight folks enjoyed such openness in their affairs. Wow. We'd all be fucking each other constantly. I'd be madness. You'd never get anything done.

Speaking of that -- where do these guys find the TIME for all this messing around? They are running the country (into the ground), which has to be time-consuming. They have the campaigning and the fundraisers and the leaking of stories -- who among them has time for wrestling? There's the war and dismantling Social Security, these are busy men. Do you think they all shave their balls? I can't stop thinking about the shaved balls. I'm imagining Bush giving the State of the Union address with itchy undies. Am I to understand that dangling beneath Rove's pleated sans-a-belts hang a pair of pink ping pong balls. It's almost too much to bear.

And who knew the homo chickenhawks in the administration really longed for love in the fox hole. Rove and the rest of the Velvet Mafia cruise for HOT MILITARY STUDS. You'd think since they can't resist a man in uniform they would have JUMPED at the chance to serve in Vietnam. Were they deferred for priapism? They apparently don't want gays in the military because they want them out here in civilian life where they are available to answer their page.

Best of all, who knew that gay men find gay-bashing attractive. It's such a topsy-turvy world. You have to appear manly on the outside, while looking like a boy on the "inside." You have to wrestle and otherwise beat each other up to show your love. And finally, you must look like a Drill Sergeant in order to attract draft-dodgers.

Thank you Jim Guckert, for this insight into your world. I guess I can take you at your word, that gays are sick. My experience up until now has been that gay men want pretty much what anyone else wants -- acceptance, security, and equal protection under the law. But then again, all the gay men I know are Democrats. Maybe that's the difference.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Totally OT:

Bill from JC: here's the final result of your excellent take down of the fool 'Iron Fist, LGF'. I thought it might amuse you:

http://littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/?entry=14696#c0258

Signed: 'Atrios Reader who posed as 'Darleen' to get the Fist to start spinning his absurd lies.

Monday, February 21, 2005 8:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've just referred me here from Democratic Underground. I like what you have to say about Gucky.

He hates being called Gucky. Well before little kids know the rhyming swear word, they know "yucky". He well remembers being a little kid and being taunted "Gucky, gucky, rhyms with Yucky."

In some ways, he thinks like a little kid, too. Read his posts about going to the press dinner this year like he did in 2004 and 2003.

honeybear at democraticundergroung

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 2:02:00 PM  

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