Thursday, May 19, 2005

Plastic Bracelet Scourge

Plastic Bracelet Sold to Raise Money for the Fight Against the Spread of Plastic Bracelets

An Austin, Texas-based non-profit organization founded last year to prevent the further spread of cause-based plastic bracelets, has announced it will begin selling a black plastic bracelet for $1 to raise money for its mission.

An End To The Bracelet Fad, Inc. (AETTBF) said it has sold 30,000 of the plastic bands to the bracelet-starved public in the first week it has made them available, tripling the organization’s bank account.
“Those Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG bracelets started this fad when they came out a year ago, and now they’re everywhere. It’s out of control,” said Daniel Vance, the executive director of AETTBF. “We have reports from all across the country of people young and old not being able to bend their arms because they have these stupid bracelets piled on top of each other from their wrists all the way up to their shoulders. It’s ridiculous. And outside of the yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets for cancer, no one even knows what any of the other colors mean.”

The AETTBF has compiled a 30-page brochure listing all of the 13,000 cause-based plastic bracelets that are currently on the market as a way to illustrate the absurdity of the fad.

“Here’s one – chartreuse bracelets mean the person is against paper cuts. Friggin’ paper cuts!” said Vance. “Indigo bracelets are for the fight against gingivitis. Mauve means the wearer is opposed to telephone calls by telemarketers between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. Central Time. Pea green is for people who want to eradicate explosive diarrhea. Charcoal-colored bracelets support the push to make charcoal part of the periodic table of elements. And adobe yellow bands support the eradication of lead-based sunflowers from our elementary schools, which doesn’t even make sense. And that’s just a few of the more tame examples.”

While Vance acknowledges a certain hypocrisy in an organization created to prevent the spread of cause-based plastic bracelets selling a cause-based plastic bracelet, he said it was the only way for AETTBF to stay in business.

“Whether we like it or not, no one will support a non-profit organization these days if they don’t get some stupid plastic bracelet in exchange for doing so,” said Vance. “We needed to raise some money and this was all that will work. While maybe we can’t put an end to this fad altogether, at the very least we might be able to get people to only wear our black AETTBF bands. I suppose one colored bracelet on someone’s arm would be better than 50.”


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