never ever going back to a doctor
i have to share my story. i've had a really shitty day and i just have to get this off my chest.
i have chronic pain in my back and hips resulting from an infection in my spine a couple of years ago. it's bone pain rather than the electrical nerve pain most people have some time in their lives. i've done plenty fine on going to the creepy pain clinic up until today. retrograde mercury -- i don't know what -- but my doc told me he was going to need some urine for a liver test and next thing i know railroaded me into a RANDOM DRUG TEST. pain clinics are already creepy places -- but to have a pimply teenager take your purse away from you and are escorted to a non-private piss test room WHEN YOU WERE TOLD YOU WERE DOING LIVER PANELS is enough to make anyone a little angry.
you sign a paper when you go into treatment about drug testing. i signed it -- i have no problem with them keeping their books straight. plus, i'm a tea-totaller. had addicts in the family and i'm thankfully not one. never intend to become one.
BUT when my doctor LIED to me about the test and then required me to sign a paper saying i knew what it was for -- which i didn't -- he was asking ME TO LIE about something that i thought i ought not. that was my REAL DRUG TEST. how bad do i really the 45-minute drive once a month to hell's suburb... the dirty rooms... the insane turnover of techs and nurses... the altogether science-fiction-esque role of post-modern healthcare... the real question is: are the meds worth your dignity?
the lies got bigger as i asked my doctor to explain what just happened. i said, "you told me i was getting liver panels and i was asked to sign a paper that I KNEW i was being drug tested and what for."
charmingly, first he responded that the test would just look for opiods. makes sense b/c you don't want someone taking the meds except as prescribed. it's just as bad to have too little morphine in your blood than to have too much, because you might be selling it.
but then he said it would also test for "everything else." and i wanted to know what that "everything else" was at this point, to save face. i also wanted to underscore the fact that he should never have to trick me into any test -- but especially this one.
then, very seriously, i said "i feel incredibly violated that i was LIED to. you can have the sample and continue on, once i get to see the paperwork, but you have me feel like a criminal today. i'm already not feeling well, or else i wouldn't be here and i need to expect a level of professionalism."
so, that was supposed to be fine and the assistant came back with the form to sign and still no list of what the test is for. i felt like, you have to be kidding.
so i to talk to my husband on the cell, i was so angry at this point b/c none of my concerns had been met and they still wanted me to sign the waiver without seeing the list.
so i call hubby again, hoping he'll talk some sense into me. i'm not in any danger of being busted for anything, so what's the damn big deal? alright, you're right. i returned to sign the paperwork, they told me to "leave the premises." i had been discharged for refusing a drug test.
on the 45 minute drive home i had plenty of time to sort thru some of the emotions i was feeling. i was kicking myself for being such a troublemaker. it's who i am. i ask questions and expect answers. i expect fair treatment.
The Drug Test tells people more than what's in your piss. it tells them what's in your soul. "if you want the pills bad enough, you'll suffer any humiliation to get them." if that isn't the dictionary definition of addiction, i don't know what is. i consented to a drug test by accepting their therapy -- not a SHAKEDOWN. they literally acted as if had i KNOWN they were going to give me a test, that i might have not taken it.
so, i come home and call my primary care physician to let her know that i'd be going cold turkey on the morphine and that i probably needed to see her to get that liver test. well, she refused. flat out. said she "doesn't do chronic pain." and went on to say that she wouldn't even help me detox.
the worst part is i'm kicking myself for having such a kneejerk reaction to the whole situation. i made clear how specific my concern was -- I DON'T WANT MY DOCTOR LYING TO ME. i have to believe they are on 'my side.' whatever that means. today, in this situation, it would have simply meant letting me know what they were doing and not tricking me. it felt militaristic. it felt like i fell down the rabbit hole.
driving home i felt the dull ache running from my back down my legs and turned up The Sweet (into the night) real loud to go with my New Freedom Pain.
why am i writing this here?
i'm going to be mentally torturing myself over this forever. it makes absolutely no sense at all that i reacted this way -- except that maybe something in the fiber of my being just went into complete danger mode. i felt attacked in the worst way. it was all emotional. if he hadn't lied i would have been fine with it. i want to believe that this is the manifestation of some sixth sense.
and the larger thing -- i want no doctors at all -- ever. i got sick in the first place from a hospital. while i was in the hospital i got sicker and sicker as i was fed chemicals that my liver didn't like, and poked in my pancreas and nearly fucking died. all from the treatments. $240,000 in hospital bills.
we need NEW FREEDOM HEALTHCARE. we need doctors working for us and not the FRISTS or the damn DEA. i was in perfect health 2 years ago. now i walk around like Egor. my face is twisting into a permanent grimace. where's the fucking hippies? where's the alternative medicine? how do you get out of the system. i want to disappear and never ever go back. i don't want to be on anyone's records. or have to buy their expensive drugs -- i just want out of ALL OF IT. forever. i'm done.