Sunday, August 10, 2003

To my knowledge, no one has shat while talking on the phone to me. However, I could have missed some important clues. Knowing I could have unknowingly taken something of a number two position of importance in a conversation has given me something new to lay awake nights worrying about. "Talk Now--Shit Later" for a bumper sticker? (This is assuming everybody's seen the "Drive Now--Talk Later" ones.) Full-page ad in the New York Times with a laundry list of things you shouldn't do on the phone? Retro fitted cell phones with special shit-sound detectors and alarms? "Warning - this conversation will terminate in 3 seconds, unless you remove your ass from the porcelein." How about keeping a tape loop of massive diarrhea to fight back with? "That's see AND a raise, buddy!"

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